As discussed in a previous post, pregnant women are fair game for unsolicited advice and judgement on what we do, how we look, and how we should cope with growing a small human inside of us. What we are also subjected to is countless comments and observations, many of which people would not dare to make to a non-pregnant person.
When we are “with child” it feels like we become public property- strangers stop and touch us in the street, comments are passed on our weight or figures, and people think it is ok to ask questions about our sex life or genitals. Newsflash- it isn’t.
Here is a non-exhaustive list of things that you should really avoid saying to a pregnant woman, unless you want to risk unleashing her hormonal rage, or tears.
“Wow you are big aren’t you?”
Yes. Trust us, we know. We are growing a completely new human being which doubles in size every couple of weeks. We are hungry, hormonal, swollen, and rapidly expanding and believe, us we are constantly aware of it. Coming to terms with increasing size is something that many women struggle with during pregnancy and the pressure to shrink back down afterwards is immense- please do not remind us of what we already know.
“Oh you’ve gained weight haven’t you?”
It’s actually healthy to gain weight during pregnancy- after all we are creating a whole new life inside of us. In my case, I was on ordered bed rest with limited activity for most of the first and second trimester- going for a 10k run and surviving on salad wasn’t exactly an option. If we have gained weight, or even if we haven’t please refrain from addressing it as often there are underlying issues that we are facing that could have exacerbated the situation.
“Your life is going to change so much when the baby is here”
Really? Is it? I had no idea.
“You should stock up on sleep now”
It doesn’t work like that does it, and incase you didn’t know, pregnant women often survive on little sleep due to extreme discomfort. Please don’t remind us that this is set to continue for months and even years to come.
*Touches belly*
Never, ever, EVER touch a pregnant woman’s belly without her permission. Just because we are pregnant does not mean that we are there for you to fondle, prod, and caress whenever you feel like it. If you are really desperate to touch our burgeoning bump, then at least have the manners to ask beforehand. What would you do if someone walked up to you and tweaked your nipples or patted your groin without so much as a word or invitation? Exactly.
“Just cheer up”
Prenatal depression is a thing, hormones are a thing, and saying “just cheer up” is not going to do anything except make us more angry.
“XYZ is not good for the baby”
Thank you Sandra but as a fully conscious, intelligent, and sentient being, I am more than capable of figuring out what is ok for me and my baby. Whilst I appreciate your concern, we are all fine thank you and if we want any advice, we will be sure to ask.
“Take it easy”
Whilst some of us have medical complications (like myself), we are all aware of our capabilities and limitations. The chances are that we have discussed them with our doctors and family and are quite capable of knowing what our limits are.
“Was it planned?”
No. Anything else you want to know about my sex life?
“Are you having a natural birth/c-section” followed by “well, in my opinion…”
Whether I squeeze my little darling out or opt for an operation is really not something that needs to be discussed. Doing so would involve me talking about my medical history, conditions, concerns, and issues- none of which are up for debate, or require your opinion unless you are a close friend and we have discussed the matter, with my consent, before.
“Will you be breastfeeding?” followed by “well, in my opinion…”
Breastfeeding is a highly personal and sensitive subject and the decision whether to or not, is sometimes not even a decision at all. Women are shamed that “breast is best”, with little consideration of medical issues or other factors that might impact us. Also, when we are pregnant the chances are that we probably don’t know yet- your question will be answered when you see us with either a baby hanging off our boob, or a bottle in its mouth- comment is not required unless we ask for advice.
“Listen to my really horrific and traumatic birth story…”
Please don’t tell us about the horrible things that happened to you and your vagina during the birth- we are well aware of what goes down during this time, and hearing you regale us with your experience is nausea inducing. Also, trust me, we are already terrified and you really aren’t helping.
“I thought you didn’t want children”
I don’t need to discuss my family planning choices with anyone except my partner.
“Just think about the baby”
As someone suffering with prenatal depression, I cannot explain how upsetting it is to hear this comment. When asking for medical treatment or understanding about the ordeal passed through, I lost count of the number of times I was told this as my pain was dismissed. When you become pregnant, medical professionals, people, strangers will all begin to see you as a incubator that must put up with suffering and trauma “for the good of the baby”. Please believe us, we do think about our baby all of the time, and we do care, but we also care about our medial, psychological, and personal needs as well. After all, a happy and healthy mother, creates a happy and healthy baby.
“Are you sure you should be eating/drinking/doing that?”
Yes I am sure, in fact now I am going to have another just to spite you.
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